Communication Skills
by vicodin-vixens
Summary: Crack! Cracky, crack, crack. "Correspondence" featuring the entire cast of characters. Warning: Slash. We own nothing but a few empty bottles of White-Out and an astonishing paper clip collection. And a giant, figurative, literary crack-pipe.
1. Paper Chase

**Paper Chase**

**A/N: This story has nothing to do with Chase, we just liked the title.**

*********

**(on the fridge)**

Greg,

Didn't want to wake you. Just a reminder: DO NOT EAT THE FLAN!! We're taking it to Lucas and Cuddy's housewarming potluck.

See you at work,

James xo

**  
(on the flan)**

I AM A FLAN! DON'T EAT ME!!

*********

**(stuck to Wilson's office balcony window-outside)**

God, you're a woman. And no, I didn't eat your stupid flan. I licked it, but I didn't eat it.

I'm not going to that stupid thing anyway. There's a Top Model marathon on tonight.

*******  
**

**(push-pinned into House's giant tennis ball)**

Greg,

You ARE going. I didn't spend 3 hours making that flan for nothing.

James

PS I know you didn't really lick the flan, you're just trying to rile me.

PPS You didn't, did you?

*******  
**

**(stuck to Dr. Bear's chest via a syringe. Dr. Bear is lying on Wilson's desk)**

Consider this a reprisal for the assault on Bally.

I am NOT going. I have better things to do. You and the flan have fun.

PS- The flan is a slut. It was asking for it.

*******  
**

**(on House's whiteboard)**

Masturbating and Guitar Hero do not constitute 'better things'. You are going. End of story. It's not open for discussion.

I'm not playing your stupid games. And I know you didn't really violate my flan like that. Otherwise, my assault on 'Bally' will be nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you later. (Wipe the smile off your face, House. What I have in mind will not be enjoyable. For you.)

*******  
**

**(delivered by Kenzi, Wilson's receptionist)**

The flan consented.

What's in it for me if I go?

*******  
**

**(written on a coffee sleeve. Wilson brought coffee, then left it on House's desk without a word)**

I'm willing to negotiate.

*******  
**

**(stuck to Mrs. Hambrick's chemo bag)**

Tick one:

_ Pancakes every day for a week

_ That thing you won't do unless you're drunk

_ That thing you won't even talk about doing

_ All of the above

*******  
**

**(hand delivered by Wilson, who stands silently, waiting for a response)**

This is getting ridiculous. I'm _asking_ you to please come with me tonight.

__

*********

House reads the note, crumples it and rolls his eyes.

_"Fine. But you probably don't want to bring that flan."_

_"It's pronounced 'flaaan' actually."_

_"Whatever. We'll bring donuts."_


	2. FaceCrack!

**FaceCrack!**

**A/N: Little piece of facebook fun. Just so you know, in our world, Kutner Lives! Deal with it. Unless you want to see poor, sweet, little Kutner dead. And you know who you are. You monsters! Takes place after Wilson's proposal in 'The Down-Low'.**

*******

**Greg House's** relationship status has changed to 'it's complicated'.

**James Wilson** What do you mean 'it's complicated'?

*****

**Lawrence Kutner** became a fan of "Doctor Who". (Become a fan)

*****

**Greg House's** relationship status has changed to 'engaged'.

**James Wilson** likes this.  
**Greg House** Happy now?

*****

**Robert Chase** found a lonely pink cow on their farm. Oh no!  
Robert was farming when a lonely pink cow from a nearby Strawberry Farm wandered on to their farm in Fa...(see more)

*****

**James Wilson** thinks the 4th time is a charm.

**Remy Hadley** Congrats!  
**Greg House** Who the hell is Remy Hadley?  
**Remy Hadley** It's 13! I do HAVE a name.

*****

**Eric Foreman**needs help to finish off Karpov in Episode 2 of Mafia Wars: Moscow.

*****

**Greg House** thinks Wilson is a big girl.

**Eric Foreman** likes this.  
**James Wilson** Sue me. I'm happy.  
**Chris Taub** What's going on? Is this a joke?

*****

**Lawrence Kutner** took the quiz "Which Harry Potter Character Are You?" The result was: Harry Potter!

*****

**Lisa Cuddy** is glad that there are, apparently, no sick people in New Jersey today.

*****

**Greg House** is weeping for all the bitter spinsters in the world.

**Lisa Cuddy **I am NOT a bitter spinster! Do some work!

*****

**James Wilson**played the word ACcLAIMS in Lexulous and scored a whopping 77 points!

*****

**Lisa Cuddy**took the quiz "Which Harry Potter Character Are You?" The result: Bellatrix Lestrange!

*****

**James Wilson** is torn between April 24th and May 1st as a wedding date! What if it rains?

**Lawrence Kutner** Rain is totally a consideration for an April wedding! My cousin Sophie got married in April and it poured! Are you having it outside? I could get the name of the tent guy Sophie....(read more)  
**Lawrence Kutner** Do you have an MC yet?  
**Chris Taub** Seriously? This isn't a joke?

*****

**Greg House** throws up.

**James Wilson** You didn't throw up when I got down on one knee.  
**Greg House** I figured you were down there for something else.  
**Robert Chase**Wait a minute! WILSON proposed?!? House, you're the girl! LOL  
**Greg House** I am NOT the girl.  
**Chris Taub** Come on. You guys are messing with me, right?

*****

**Eric Foreman**took the quiz "Which Harry Potter Character Are You?" The result: Percy Weasley.

*****

**Robert Chase** thinks House is totally the girl.

**Greg House** You're fired.

*****

**James Wilson **has made his 1st official wedding decision. May 1st it is. Thanks, Kutner! On to cakes, flowers, caterers...

**Bonnie Wilson** Congratulations! Just make sure you don't use Garden of Eaten' catering!  
**James Wilson** Oh, god. Half our guests went home with salmonella! What a nightmare.  
**Bonnie Wilson**Should've been our first clue...LOL.

*****

**Greg House**is praying for death.

**Lisa Cuddy** likes this.

*****

**Remy Hadley**took the quiz "Which Harry Potter Character Are You?". The result: Nymphadora Tonks.

*****

**Chris Taub** wants to know, ONCE AND FOR ALL, is this serious?

**Remy Hadley** Yes.  
**Robert Chase** Apparently.  
**Eric Foreman** Looks like.  
**Lisa Cuddy** Yup.  
**Lawrence Kutner** I love weddings! :D  
**James Wilson** It's completely serious.  
**Greg House** Are you kidding? I'm all about the pussy.

*****

**Greg House** joined the Group "Ban Gay Marriage!"

**James Wilson** Not funny, House.

******

**James Wilson** and **Blythe House** are now friends.

**Remy Hadley** likes this.  
**Greg House** My Mom?!?

*****

**Eric Foreman** is disappointed to find that his cafeteria chicken-salad sandwich is depressingly low on mayo. Again. *sigh*

**Lawrence** **Kutner** ?

*****

**Robert Chase **took the quiz "Which Harry Potter Character Are You?" The result: Gilderoy Lockhart.

*****

**Gregory House** thinks there is no possible way he can carry his wife across the threshold.

**James Wilson** Is that a crack about my weight or the fact that you're a cripple?  
**Robert Chase** Besides, he proposed to you. YOU'RE the girl.  
**Greg House** Didn't I fire you?  
**Robert Chase **You can't fire me from facebook! You'll make a beautiful bride. Can you wear heels with your limp? And ribbons on your cane!  
**James Wilson** :)

*****

**Remy Hadley** is always a bridesmaid and never a bride. ;)

**Lawrence Kutner** Do you have a date yet? I was wondering...are you gonna take a girl? Cause if you took a girl to a guy-on-guy wedding, that would be cool. But if you don't have a date, we could go together. As friends. I mean, if you want to. If you don't have a date. Do you have a date?  
**Remy Hadley** Oh, sorry. Chase already asked me :(  
**Chris Taub** So this is really happening? My god. You take one personal day...

*****

**James Wilson** took the quiz "Which Harry Potter Character Are You?" The result: Remus Lupin.

*****

**Lawrence Kutner** wrote on **Greg House's **wall: Are you going to take the Harry Potter quiz? Everyone else did. C'mon. Wilson got Lupin. I know you'll be Sirius. Take the quiz! I already sent you the link, but maybe it didn't go through. I'll send it to you again.

**Greg House to Lawrence Kutner **Fuck off and stop sending me these stupid quizzes. In case you couldn't tell by my impending homo-nuptials, I'm not a 14 year old girl.

*****

**Lawrence Kutner** wonders whether House and Wilson would consider a theme wedding?

*****

**Greg House** has bought 2 tickets to Vegas. Enough of this Chapel of Love bullshit.

**James Wilson** :(

*****

**Chris Taub **has taken the quiz "Which Harry Potter Character Are You?" The result: Lord Voldemort.


	3. Pop Quiz, Hotshot

**A/N: **You know all those goofy surveys that end up in your inbox, from everyone you've ever been misguided enough to give your email address to? (This continues our FaceCrack! universe where Kutner lives and Chase and Thirteen date. We think they look good together. Come on, search your heart, you know it to be true.)

**Kutner**

**1. What time did you wake up this morning?** 7:30 a.m. Bugs Bunny is on!

**2. What was the last movie you saw at the theatre?** AVATAR!!! In 3-D!!

**3. What is your favourite t.v. show?** 24

**4. What did you have for breakfast this morning?**Froot Loops

**5. What is your middle name?** Edward

**6. What food do you dislike?** Curry. Just cause I'm Indian, doesn't mean I have to like the food. Shut up, House.

**7. What is your favourite song?** Superstition by Stevie Wonder

**8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?** Wild Wadi Water Park in Dubai. Too awesome for words.

**9. Are you organized?** Sure.

**10. Where is the furthest place you are sending this email?** Tokyo.

**11. Who will be the first to respond to this email?** Chase

**12. Do you have any pets?** Not anymore.

**13. Is there any new and exciting news you'd like to share?** House and Wilson are getting married!! Congratulations, guys!!

**14. What did you want to be when you were little?** A firefighter. (Yeah, yeah. I know :P)

**15. What day are you looking forward to?** Tuesday, cause that's when the new DVDs come out!

**16. What was the last thing you ate? **A popsicle.

**17. If you were a crayon, which colour would you be?** Either Neon Carrot or Atomic Tangerine.

**18. What was your favourite childhood toy?**Transformers (Optimus Prime!!)

**19. What is your favourite food? **Jell-O. But not with fruit in it, that's just gross. And Fluffernutters. Again, shut up.

**20. When was the last time you cried? **That episode of Criminal Minds a month ago. When Foyet killed Haley? I cried like a little girl. I'm not ashamed to admit it. But then I have been a little depressed lately.

**21. What's under your bed?** Dust bunnies and stuff from my parent's house. Like my Transformers.

**22. What is your best quality?** Optimism.

**23. What are your fears?** Bad luck. And squirrels. They just freak me out.

**24. What did you do last night? **Played Arkham Asylum and watched The Hangover again. "He's jackin' his little weenus!" Classic.

**25. How many years at your current job?** 2 years.

**BONUS: If you could change 1 thing about yourself or your situation, what would it be?** I'd bring back Firefly.

***

**Chase**

**1. What time did you wake up this morning?** 8:30

**2. What was the last movie you saw at the theatre?** New Moon (Cameron made me go)

**3. What is your favourite t.v. show?** Hoarders. It's like a car wreck. You can't look away.

**4. What did you have for breakfast this morning?** Coffee. Toast.

**5. What is your middle name?** Andrew.

**6. What food do you dislike?** Strawberries. I'll die.

**7. What is your favourite song?** Blue Monday by New Order

**8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?** Hawaii

**9. Are you organized?** Sometimes.

**10. Where is the furthest place you are sending this email?** Australia

**11. Who will be the first to respond to this email?** Wilson.

**12. Do you have any pets?** No.

**13. Is there any new and exciting news you'd like to share?** Got my hair cut.

**14. What did you want to be when you were little?** A priest.

**15. What day are you looking forward to?** Friday. No reason why.

**16. What was the last thing you ate?** A granola bar.

**17. If you were a crayon, which colour would you be?** Blue.

**18. What was your favourite childhood toy?** Cricket bat

**19. What is your favourite food?** Vegemite. It's GOOD. Really.

**20. When was the last time you cried?** I don't want to talk about it.

**21. What's under your bed?** Nothing. Cameron took it all.

**22. What is your best quality?** Compassion. And my hair.

**23. What are your fears?** Failure.

**24. What did you do last night?** Nothing.

**25. How many years at your current job?** 7 years. Give or take :)

**BONUS: If you could change 1 thing about yourself or your situation, what would it be?** I think everybody already knows.

***

**Wilson**

**1. What time did you wake up this morning?** 6 a.m.

**2. What was the last movie you saw at the theatre?** Sherlock Holmes

**3. What is your favourite t.v. show?** Intervention and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

**4. What did you have for breakfast this morning?** I made French toast. I got to eat a Pop-Tart. Thanks, House.

**5. What is your middle name?** Evan.

**6. What food do you dislike?** Gummy Bears.

**7. What is your favourite song?** Let It Be-The Beatles

**8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?** Paris

**9. Are you organized?** Highly.

**10. Where is the furthest place you are sending this email?** Wisconsin.

**11. Who will be the first to respond to this email? **Cuddy

**12. Do you have any pets?** Does House count?

**13. Is there any new and exciting news you'd like to share?** I'm getting married!!

**14. What did you want to be when you were little?** A doctor. Although I wanted to be Superman for awhile when I was 5.

**15. What day are you looking forward to?** May 1st.

**16. What was the last thing you ate?** I tried to have a Danish. I atea Tic Tac. Thanks again, House.

**17. If you were a crayon, which colour would you be?** Fern Green. Or maybe Linen. It's not a crayon, but it looks nice in the bathroom.

**18. What was your favourite childhood toy? **Lite Brite.

**19. What is your favourite food?** Pickles. House hates them. That's good enough for me.

**20. When was the last time you cried?** Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It's touching.

**21. What's under your bed? **A shoe organizer and a vacuum sealed bag of sweaters. And House's porn.

**22. What is your best quality?** PATIENCE

**23. What are your fears?** Loss. Being alone. (And spiders)

**24. What did you do last night?** I can't say. And neither can you, House.

**25. How many years at your current job?** Too many to count.

**BONUS: If you could change 1 thing about yourself or your situation, what would it be?** House. Enough said. (Just kidding. Not that it wouldn't be nice to have a little help every once in a while, or some consideration, or...... Anyway, I was kidding.)

***

**Cuddy**

**1. What time did you wake up this morning?** 7 a.m.

**2. What was the last movie you saw at the theatre?** I don't have time for movies.

**3. What is your favourite t.v. show? **Grey's Anatomy. Where's McDreamy when you need him? All I've got is McLimpy.

**4. What did you have for breakfast this morning? **Egg white omelette. Brown toast. Coffee.

**5. What is your middle name?** Anne.

**6. What food do you dislike?** Peas.

**7. What is your favourite song? **Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar.

**8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?** Italy

**9. Are you organized?** Duh!

**10. Where is the furthest place you are sending this email?** Home

**11. Who will be the first to respond to this email?** Foreman.

**12. Do you have any pets?**No. Ew.

**13. Is there any new and exciting news you'd like to share? **I'm moving! Finally. I still can't believe I lost that loft!

**14. What did you want to be when you were little?** A mom.

**15. What day are you looking forward to?** Rachel's 1st birthday!

**16. What was the last thing you ate?** Breakfast.

**17. If you were a crayon, which colour would you be?** Red.

**18. What was your favourite childhood toy?** Barbie.

**19. What is your favourite food?** Wilson's Red Velvet cupcakes.

**20. When was the last time you cried?** I can't remember.

**21. What's under your bed?** A dropped pacifier, 6 pairs of shoes, a set of hand weights and my lost earring. I'm sure of it.

**22. What is your best quality?** Assertiveness and, yes, House, my boobs.

**23. What are your fears?** Lawsuits. I'm looking at you, House.

**24. What did you do last night?** Mommy & Me swim.

**25. How many years at your current job?** Forever.

**BONUS: If you could change 1 thing about yourself or your situation, what would it be?** House.

***

**Foreman**

**1. What time did you wake up this morning?** 7:32 a.m.

**2. What was the last movie you saw at the theatre?** Precious.

**3. What is your favourite t.v. show?** Law & Order.

**4. What did you have for breakfast this morning?** Bran Flakes and a multivitamin.

**5. What is your middle name?** Leslie. It's a family name.

**6. What food do you dislike?** Peanut Butter.

**7. What is your favourite song?** Humpin' Around. Bobby Brown.

**8. Where is ideal favourite vacation spot?** Montreal Jazz Festival.

**9. Are you organized?** Of course.

**10. Where is the furthest place you are sending this email?** New York.

**11. Who will be the first to respond to this email?** Thirteen.

**12. Do you have any pets?** Who has time?

**13. Is there any new and exciting news you'd like to share?** No.

**14. What did you want to be when you were little?** A pilot.

**15. What day are you looking forward to?** Wednesday- chicken salad day in the cafeteria. I've got my fingers crossed this time!

**16. What was the last thing you ate?** Coffee.

**17. If you were a crayon, which colour would you be?** Purple.

**18. What was your favourite childhood toy?** A football.

**19. What is your favourite food? **Chicken Galentine.

**20. When was the last time you cried?** You're kidding, right? I don't cry.

**21. What's under your bed?** Nothing. The carpet.

**22. What is your best quality?** My leadership abilities.

**23. What are your fears?** Losing touch with my humanity.

**24. What did you do last night?** Worked out, read a book, went to bed early.

**25. How many years at your current job?** 6 years, but it feels so much longer.

**BONUS: If you could change 1 thing about yourself or your situation, what would it be?** More mayo in the chicken salad. I mean- how hard is it?

***

**Thirteen**

**1. What time did you wake up this morning?** 8

**2. What was the last movie you saw at the theatre? **Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.

**3. What is your favourite t.v. show?** The Office.

**4. What did you have for breakfast this morning?** Yogurt.

**5. What is your middle name? **Beauregarde.

**6. What food do you dislike?** Nothing. I'll try anything once ;)

**7. What is your favourite song?** Gloria-Patti Smith.

**8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?** Thailand. It was awesome!

**9. Are you organized?** To a point. Professionally-yes. At home, not so much.

**10. Where is the furthest place you are sending this email?** Prague.

**11. Who will be the first to respond to this email? **Taub.

**12. Do you have any pets?** 1 Siamese Fighting Fish that has seen better days. His name is Fluffy.

**13. Is there any new and exciting news you'd like to share?** Nothing with me personally, but House and Wilson's wedding is coming up!!

**14. What did you want to be when you were little?** A plumber. What? It seemed cool at the time.

**15. What day are you looking forward to?** Friday. I'm going out for drinks with Chase.

**16. What was the last thing you ate?** Guess ;) Just kidding, it was a peanut butter cup.

**17. If you were a crayon, which colour would you be? **Red Razz or something like that - Razzamatazz Red or whatever.

**18. What was your favourite childhood toy?** She-Ra, Princess of Power. How cool was she?

**19. What is your favourite food?** Those ragout-filled egg things that House made. Why don't you make those anymore? The absolute best thing I've ever put in my mouth. :D

**20. When was the last time you cried?** I don't think it counts as crying, but I got my hair caught in the car door yesterday. It hurt enough to bring tears to my eyes.

**21. What's under your bed?** Dust, old magazines, shoes I don't wear anymore, useless junk.

**22. What is your best quality?** I'm open to new experiences.

**23. What are your fears? **Death. My own, not anyone else's.

**24. What did you do last night?** Cleaned the bathroom, did my laundry, boring stuff like that.

**25. How many years at your current job?** 2 and change.

**BONUS: If you could change 1 thing about yourself or your situation, what would it be?** I'd give myself dyslexia instead of Huntington's.

***

**Taub**

**1. What time did you wake up this morning?** 8:15 am

**2. What was the last movie you saw at the theatre?** The Blind Side. My wife wanted to go, but it actually wasn't that bad.

**3. What is your favourite t.v. show?** American Idol. Just the auditions though. Who doesn't like the auditions? You know you all watch it too.

**4. What did you have for breakfast this morning?** Cornflakes

**5. What is your middle name?** Isaac.

**6. What food do you dislike?** Spinach.

**7. What is your favourite song? **Whatever's on the radio. I don't care.

**8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?** The Bahamas

**9. Are you organized?** My wife organizes for me.

**10. Where is the furthest place you are sending this email?** Down the hall.

**11. Who will be the first to respond to this email?** Nobody. House is the only one who hasn't done it, and Hell will freeze over before he does it.

**12. Do you have any pets?** I'm not allowed. My wife's allergic.

**13. Is there any new and exciting news you'd like to share?** Not really.

**14. What did you want to be when you were little?** Tall. I still want that.

**15. What day are you looking forward to?** One day is the same as the next.

**16. What was the last thing you ate? **The last Bearclaw. Don't tell House.

**17. If you were a crayon, which colour would you be?** Black.

**18. What was your favourite childhood toy?** Model airplanes.

1**9. What is your favourite food?** My mother's brisket.

**20. When was the last time you cried?** March 19, 1992. That's all I'm saying.

**21. What's under your bed?** I have no idea.

**22. What is your best quality?** I'm a people person.

**23. What are your fears?** That my nose really is too big for my face, and no one is telling me.

**24. What did you do last night?** Took my wife to dinner.

**25. How many years at your current job?** Enough.

**BONUS: If you could change 1 thing about yourself or your situation, what would it be?** Don't get me started.

***

**From:** G. House  
**To:** J. Wilson  
**CC:**L. Cuddy, R. Chase, R. Hadley, E. Foreman, C. Taub, L. Kutner

The next one of you that sends me one of these idiotic surveys is in charge of nothing but colonoscopies and rectal exams for the next month.

Wilson and Cuddy, don't think that you're beyond my reach. I can always find ways to make your lives shitty too.


	4. Poetry In Motion

**A/N: If our favourite House characters were poets. Yeah, we know it's goofy, so what? **

**Disclaimer: We own nothing. These are inspired by other people's work. Actual poets. Not us. We own nothing. Don't sue us.**

*******

**Wilson**

**(A bastardization of 'She Walks In Beauty Like The Night')**

He limps in beauty, down the hall  
Of mocking smiles and angry sighs  
And all that's best of clinic duty  
Meets in his smirk and in his eyes  
His long legs and gimpy booty  
Which Cuddy to my ears denies

One snarl more, one eye-roll less  
Might prove to spoil his crippled grace  
Which shows in his unshaven mess  
And in the creases of his face  
Where thoughts spitefully express  
How evil and mean their dwelling place

And in that brain and parts below  
So hard, so cruel, yet elegant  
The smiles that cut, the eyes that glow  
But tell of days in self-interest spent  
A mind at odds with all he knows,  
A heart whose love is devil-sent.

***

**Thirteen**

**(Beat Poetry)**

goes around comes around the corner store cold hearted snake eyes of blue valentine cards on the table saw bone tired of being tired of it all the kings horse and all the kings mental health wealth and happiness is a warm gun shy and retiring me out

***

**Chase**

**(Self-explanatory :P)**

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Don't ever get married, because you'll only end up sad and lonely and drinking beer while eating Cheetos in your underwear at 3 o'clock in the morning and then crying into your cereal because you can't believe she's gone and she left you because you went and killed one lousy African tyrant who was going to murder hundreds of his own people anyway, so, really, you were saving people but she didn't see it that way and she just left and you had nothing,

And then something that rhymes with blue.

***

**Foreman**

**(Acrostic)**

**P**urple moutain's majesty  
**U**nder the umbrella tree  
**R**ichly robed in shades of plum  
**P**urple shimmers in the sun  
**L**avender, mauve and aubergine  
**E**very day a purple dream.

***

**Taub**

**(Haiku)**

Rudely it taunts me,  
In the middle of my face,  
It suits me, they say.

***

**Kutner  
(To the tune of "Jingle Bells")**

Monday's here, Monday's here  
I am first in line  
Gonna run the tests today  
I will do just fine

Monday's here, Monday's here  
Booked the M.R.I.  
The patient's name is Mary Sue  
Hope I don't make her cry

I brought my good friend, Taub  
So he can help me out  
Brought the fire extinguisher  
So he can put her out

***

**House**

**(Limerick)**

There was a young doctor of cancer  
Who helped me to find every answer  
He'd get down on his knees  
Just to make me say please  
And I do, while he's licking my lancer.

***

**Cuddy**  
**(To the tune of 'Hush Little Baby')**

Shut up House, and don't say a word  
I don't care just who you cured  
My telephone better not ring  
I don't want to hear anything  
All those patients you harass  
One more time and I'll fire your ass  
You seem to think it's all a joke  
The way you tease and provoke  
You don't care a thing for rules  
And you think that we are just all fools  
You may be right, but that's all over  
I don't really care if you are sober  
This is gonna end here and now  
I won't stand for more, this I vow  
And if your world comes crashing down  
You'll find that you're the only one around.


	5. Body Language

**A/N: Inspired by those horrible 1950s instructional videos.**

********

**Narrator:** Human beings communicate in a variety of different ways. Body language plays a very important role in communication. Let's take a look at some of the employees of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Say hello, Doctors.

**All together:** Hello.

**Narrator:** You too, Dr. House

**House:** Piss off. I'm just here for the free doughnuts. (takes bite of bearclaw)

**Narrator:** (uncomfortably) Alright then. As I was saying, body language can be a very effective way of conveying our emotions. Each of us have our own special quirks and affectations which help us to make ourselves understood. Take our good friend, Dr. Wilson here.

**Wilson:** (waving) Hello.

**Narrator:** I've noticed that you tend to favour a hands-on-hips stance when speaking to your colleagues, Dr. House in particular. What are you trying to say with this pose?

**Wilson:** Usually it's because I'm getting frustrated. I want House to listen to me, because what I'm saying is important. (whispers) Plus, I think it makes me look taller.

**Narrator:** Dr. House? Is that what you see when Dr. Wilson puts his hands on his hips? A sense of urgency? Of importance?

**House:** He puts his hands on his hips? When?

**Wilson:** (throwing his hands in the air) I give up!

**Narrator:** Ah. Dr. Wilson, there's another one! The hands in the air. What are they telling us?

**Wilson:** You're kidding me, right? You're supposed to be the body language expert, and you can't identify frustration when you see it? Besides, why are you choosing me to analyze? I'm not the only one here! Why don't you tell us why Cuddy leans over so often?

**Cuddy:** I do not!

**House:** You do. Trust me.

**Narrator:** I too have noticed this tendency, Dr. Cuddy. Why do you think you make a habit of this behaviour? What are _you_ trying to say?

**Cuddy:** I don't know! Maybe...I do it as an assertion of my femininity in a male-dominated profession?

**House:** I am woman, hear me roar?

**Cuddy:** Shut up, House.

**House:** She's saying, "I have a nice rack."

**Cuddy and Wilson :** Shut up, House!

**Narrator:** Yes, well, I think I'll just leave that one alone. Moving on now, Dr. Taub, what about you? What sort of body language do you employ throughout the day?

**Taub:** (putting his hands in his pockets and looking at his shoes) Uh...nothing. I don't think.

**Thirteen:** That's not true! Look what he's doing right now! Hands in his pockets.

**Narrator:** Ah, yes, the old hands in the pockets pose. Is it true, Dr. Taub, that when a man puts his hands in his pockets it means he's thinking about sex?

**Taub:** What? No! (quickly removes his hands)

(House looks at Wilson pointedly, and deliberately puts his hands in his pockets. Wilson blushes)

**Thirteen:** (looks at Taub and laughs, running a hand through her hair) I bet it's true. In fact, I'm certain of it.

**Narrator:** Did you notice, everyone, how Dr. Hadley ran her hands through her hair? A classic feminine gesture of flirtation.

**Thirteen:** I do NOT flirt!

**Chase:** (coughs discreetly)

**Thirteen:** Well, maybe sometimes. But never with Taub!

**Taub:** (puts his hands in his pockets and faces Thirteen) Why not?

**Thirteen:** (runs a hand through her hair impatiently) You want to talk about body language? Take Foreman. Arms folded across his chest. Prime example of someone who thinks they're more important than they are.

**Narrator:** Dr. Hadley does have a point, Dr. Foreman. What is it you're trying to convey with your crossed arms and stern expressions?

**Foreman:** Maybe that this is a boring waste of time. I could be doing something more important right now.

**Narrator:** So Dr. Hadley is right.

**Foreman:** No! I was just saying that I...whatever.

**Narrator:** Doctor House, I think that brings us to you.

**House:** Think again, Sparky. I don't do symbolism.

**Narrator:** (frostily) Well. In that case, I believe that's enough for today. Thank you-

**Chase:** Hey! Wait a minute!

**Narrator:** Dr. Chase? You have something to add?

**Chase:** (uncomfortably, now that he has everyone staring at him expectantly) Well...it's just that...what about me?

**Narrator:** What about you, indeed?

**Chase:** Well, I do things.

**Narrator:** Such as?

**Chase:** I don't know! But...I do things!

**House:** (helpfully) He did punch me.

**Chase:** (proudly) Yeah. See? What's that say about _me_ that I hit House?

**Cuddy:** (under her breath) That you have some serious Daddy issues?

**House:** Now I just feel dirty.

Cuddy just looks at him.

**Narrator:** (wearily) Yes, well. As I stated before, each of us has our own quirks and affectations designed to help us convey our thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure I selected the correct few examples, but there it is nonetheless. Hopefully our little display of body language helps you decipher the deeper meanings in your day-to-day relationships.

**House:** Deeper meanings, my ass. And next time, get jelly doughnuts. I'm sick of bearclaws.


End file.
